Fear With A Narc
“God has not given us a spirit of fear; but of power, and of love, and of a sound mind.” 2 Timothy 1:7
What are some fears that cause you to walk on eggshells?
For almost two years, I would come home after work and make sure that I did three things: sweep, mop and dust. My ex-husband complained about the dog hair, which were from his dogs. As in, he had them before we became a couple. These were not small dogs either. One weighed in at about 50 lbs and the other about 90-95 lbs. The bigger one stayed outside most of the time and I would bathe him and let him in sometimes. I could do a post on dogs and how awesome they are by itself but this isn’t about that.
This is about being afraid that if the house wasn’t swept, mopped and dusted that it would start an argument. That I would be told: “this house stinks” or “I can’t stand to walk on this floor” or “I’m not sitting on that sofa until its vacuumed”. He would also use these excuses to create an argument so that he could leave and go to the bar. So, out of fear, it was the first thing I made sure was completed before anything else when I walked in the door after working 8-12 hours. I wanted him to be home and I didn’t want to be left alone, again.
One of the other things I feared was falling asleep before him. Sounds silly, right? No big deal to most people but if I fell asleep before him, it resulted in a huge argument the next morning. He viewed it as me not caring about him or his needs. Although, he put in zero effort into sparking things up. It was up to me and if I didn’t make it happen, then it showed him that I didn’t want him or care about him. Even after finding out about other women, I was determined to show him that I did care about him and I did want him by randomly sending him a text to meet me at home for midday sex. I’d dress up and try my best to be cute and sexy. Little did I know, I was feeding into his Narcissistic ego and still giving him control over me. I was trying to stay loyal to someone who was not loyal to me, and would never be. I had to accept that I was not a person to him, I was property. I wasn’t loved, I wasn’t cherished and I wasn’t valued. I was his victim.
If you’re in a relationship with a Narc…get out. There’s no holding on until they change. There’s no, “I’ll stand by his side and one day he’ll chose me” because he won’t. He will continue to be the abuser. He will continue to lie. He will continue to give you false hope. He will continue to tell you empty promises. It will get worse when you begin to stand up for yourself but keep fighting. Keep pushing. There is hope. Reach out to someone for help and support. You don’t have to do this alone. Its hard and its a long road, but its worth it!
YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL. YOU ARE ENOUGH.
