I Love You
I love you.
Three words.
Three words that are supposed to mean something special.
Three words that we long to hear someone tell us.
Three words that make us feel safe.
Three words that make us feel secure.
Three words that can also be lies.
So often these words are used for self gain. In today’s society, these words are thrown around like candy in a parade. The value of them has dwindled down to almost no value at all. “I love you” is stated to gain sex, trust, physical objects, and probably other things that I’m not thinking of at the moment, because my heart is so heavy.
In a normal and healthy beginning of a relationship a study shows that it takes an average 88 days for a man to admit that they love the other. For women, it’s an average of 134 days. Found at https://www.mindbodygreen.com/articles/how-long-it-takes-to-fall-in-love
When it comes to a Narcissist, they will tell you these words VERY early on in the the relationship. Within days. It’s a means to make you feel safe and comfortable. It’s a tool in their tool box of many other tools that is used to gain control of you.
Realistically, a person can’t love another human being, that they did not birth, instantly. I do believe that you can develop the feeling of caring about someone in a short period of time. Caring as in, you want that other person to succeed. You want that other person to be well and safe. But love them? I don’t buy it.
My ex Narcissist told me within the first week that he loved me. Even then, I thought that was odd and I didn’t reciprocate that to him at that time. I couldn’t love someone I didn’t know. Yes, I knew who he was. I knew his name and where he lived. But beyond that, I didn’t know him. I hadn’t met his parents. I hadn’t met his kids. We did not know each other. There was NO WAY he loved me. He did not even know my favorite color or how I liked my coffee. He didn’t know my likes and dislikes. He didn’t really know anything about me. How could he love me? Could he even care? I doubt it. Narcissist don’t love anyone but themselves and they target the vulnerable.
Ever heard of “love bombing”? According to Google: A love bomb refers to the form of emotional manipulation in which a person—and often a narcissistic one—“bombs” you with an over-the-top amount of affection, flattery, gifts, and praise early in the relationship in order to win over your attention for the purpose of being able to control you.
Some of those examples are:
- Excessive compliments
- Spending too much time together too soon
- Constant gifts
- Texting, emailing, calling many times a day
- Asking you to spend time with them rather than friends
- Mirroring all of your interests
- Excessive interest in your background, life, interests
- Wanting to take things to the next level quickly
So very often, soon after the “I love you” is spoken, the proposal for you to marry them takes place. Have you ever wondered why? Let me explain it to you. A Narcissist will ask for a hand in marriage very early on because it will provide him with full access to narcissistic supply.
According to Mindset Therapy Online: “A narcissist views marriage as something that will benefit them. They will not haphazardly enter into a marriage. Although a marriage might come quickly after dating, the narcissist has thought out what benefit their spouse will provide for them. The narcissist has been on the hunt for a spouse they think will serve their needs best. They have love bombed to test their partner’s reactions to the love bombing, and also withdrawn their love and affection to see if they can continue to control their partner. The narcissist chooses to marry the person they believe they can have the most control over. “
We can either acknowledge the red flags and take a step back and say, “Let’s wait a while before we actually get married” and see if he shows the real him. Because, if he’s wearing the mask. It will fall. OR….ignore those flags and fall right into their trap of isolation, control, manipulation, and unfaithfulness.
If he genuinely loves you and cares about you, he will be understanding and will support whatever decision you make that you are comfortable with. If he doesn’t, you will see that mask fall quickly and he will say things like, “Why don’t you want to marry me?” “Is there someone else that you’re interested in.” “Is your family making you do this?” “Did your friend get in your head?” and so on.
I wished I would have said that I wanted to wait one year. I would have had more time to be in control over my own finances, comings and goings, and my life. More time that I would have had the strength to stand up for myself and would have seen through the lies and manipulation and walked away before marrying a monster.
Try it. See which one it will be. It will provide all of the answers that you need.
What’s the rush anyway?
