Girl Crush

Ever heard the song, “Girl Crush” by Little Big Town? It’s about a woman who states that she has a girl crush on someone who has the attention of the one she loves. The song states that she wants to taste the lips of the other woman because it taste like his. She states that she wants everything that the other woman has, including her long blonde hair and magic touch. If she had what the other woman had, then he would accept her and want her instead.

This song came out during the time of my wanting to be accepted by my Narcissist, also known as, my husband at the time. It’s exactly what I was feeling. I didn’t understand what she had that I didn’t. Why did he accept her and not me, his wife. I remember one day he and I were sitting in his office and I had brought him lunch and he was on his phone and he walked around his desk to where I was sitting and said, “She’s cute huh? Do you think she’s cute”? The picture was of the girl he cheated on me with and was living with at the time. He made the statement that she had “tits” and I didn’t. Yet, one more thing to be self-conscious about. One more thing that I have to fix to be accepted by him. Though it is one of the things that I didn’t pursue in “fixing”.

To this day, I do not listen to the song because it brings back those memories. Back to the place that I was literally starving myself due to being so stressed trying to get him to accept me. Stressed about failing or doing something wrong. Stressed that I would give him a reason to belittle me. That I would cause him to break something or punch the wall. I would clean the office a couple of times a week and each time, piles and piles of my hair would be gathered due to it falling out so rapidly. My once thick and pretty hair, became thin and unhealthy.

To make sure that I kept up with him and his demands, I would take Adderall during the day. Naps weren’t an option…EVER. At night, I would rarely sleep more than a couple of hours at a time so I started taking Xanax to shut everything off and sleep. It became a routine. Adderall in the morning, Xanax at night. All because I wanted to be accepted and loved by the one person who was incapable of providing that. Why? Because Narcissists can’t feel that type of way. They are soulless in a sense. They seek out vulnerable women to provide them with the sense of them being a “hero” or “a knight in shining armor” and they are nothing of the sort. You can’t change the Narcissist, but they can and will change you. Fake is temporary while real, is always real.

Don’t ignore the red flags!!!! They are there and it’s up to you to acknowledge or ignore them.

YOU ARE ENOUGH. YOU ARE WORTH IT. YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL.