Twice

I’m sure you all have heard the phrase, “Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me.”.  My question is, does it have to be the same person that fools us twice or can it be two different people with the same Narcissistic behavior that fool us twice?

So here’s the thing. I dated and married a Narcissist as you may already know if you’ve read some of my previous posts. In September of 2015, I was able to break completely free of him and not on my own. At the time, we were no longer living together, yet he still had complete control over me. Until someone else walked into my life and provided a support system of sorts to help me stand up for myself. I had changed my phone number, email address, removed myself from all social media platforms and moved to a different city in order for the cycle to be severed from my ex. I disappeared and kept it that way for a couple of years.

To back up a second, I had met this new person the month prior on  a motorcycle ride that I had gone on with my ex. During that ride, this person had gotten my attention by opening the doors for me and making sure that I wasn’t left behind as my ex was disconnected from me and he could see that. He later on stated that he could see the hurt, pain and brokenness in my eyes.

This person knew some of what had taken place with my ex because he personally witnessed it. He had gone on another ride with him after the one I met him on and my ex had another female with him and it wasn’t me. He shared this with me later on and his side of the story is that he asked my ex who the female was and my ex told him, “Clarissa is my wife. That is my girlfriend.”.  He claims that at that point, he lost all respect for my ex. Not long after this, I received a Facebook message from him, and it was the beginning of our 3 1/2 year relationship.

Here I was, broken and lost, a damsel in distress and along came my knight in shining armor. I shared everything that had happened with this new person. He would encourage me and tell me that I was stronger with everyday that passed. He aided in regaining my independence.

The Knight in shining armor faded fairly quickly. The stronger and more independent I became, the duller the armor became. As the relationship continued, it got worse. Anything that I didn’t agree with was met with the response of, “get over it” or “you have two options, you can stay or you can go back to your house”. If I said how I felt about something, it was never validated and instead, I was told, “that’s the dumbest thing I ever heard”. I’ve also been called, “a stupid bitch”. Yet, would get upset because I no longer would tell him what bothered me. What was the point? To argue? To be berated and broken down? No thanks, I’ll just keep it to myself because it truly didn’t matter anyway.

I remember one Christmas we were in my brand new car and on our way to a family members house and he ran a red light and I became upset because it was careless and I felt like my life and property didn’t matter to him. He started yelling at me saying, “when are you going to learn that I’m going to do what I want and no matter what you tell me, it’s not going to change?”. That Christmas Day was ruined. I cried and was so emotional all day and I didn’t share with anyone why. Well, if you’re reading this and you saw me personally crying and not quite understanding why…that’s why.

It continued to get worse verbally.

At this point, you’re probably wondering why I stayed. I justified it to myself by remembering what I had already been through and this wasn’t as bad as that. So if I could survive that, I can deal with this.

Fast forward to the beginning of 2019. We sat down and talked about how to make this work and I’ll never forget the words he spoke, “I’m not any better than___except that I haven’t cheated on you”. I didn’t quite understand it at the time and my response to him was that I didn’t feel that was true, because again…I had dealt with much worse. Not long after this conversation, he told me that it wasn’t working. Stated that I wasn’t making any changes to make it work. I wasn’t providing sex as he desired. Here’s the thing with that…IT GOES BOTH WAYS. You want sex from your significant other? MAKE THE MOVE AND STOP WAITING FOR THEM TO DO IT FOR YOU!!! We’re adults! He didn’t initiate. Instead he waited on me to do it and its really hard to do that when you’re emotionally disconnected and hurt. Moving on…

On April 1st, he called me and told me that I had 45 minutes to pack clothes and get out of his house. He would be home by then and he didn’t want me there when he got back. I did exactly that. About two weeks later, I found out that he had been cheating. At that moment I knew what he meant by being the same as my ex except…he lied…he was cheating. That’s when it hit me that he was also a Narcissist and a liar.

Recently a close friend of mine confided that he had reached out to her randomly, while he and I were together, and told her to keep smiling and he hoped that she had a good day. How many were there? How many inappropriate conversations were there that should have never taken place because he was in a relationship? That’s cheating in my eyes. It’s also disrespectful.

So yes, I’ve fallen for a Narcissist on two different occasions. I’ve learned that for myself, I attracted that type of person because something in me thought that’s what I deserved. I wanted someone to love me the way only God can. Narcissist feed off of the vulnerable, hurt and broken. They see your desire to be “rescued” and once they have you, you’re theirs to do with as they desire. They aren’t able to give you love.

So if you’re getting out of a Narcissistic relationship, be very careful of the next person that you get involved with. Take your time and allow God to send the person that he has for you.

It will be worth it, I promise!!!