PTSD

Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is a disorder that only war vets dealt with right? That’s what I had always thought because that’s what they would say about people who returned from war. Thank God for those of you who serve our Great Nation! You guys truly sacrifice everything!

When I went to my first counseling session and I provided my background and what I was currently dealing with, the counselor stated that some of the reactions could be related to PTSD. I thought, there’s no way because I hadn’t served in war. I haven’t seen death or anything like that. I could not possibly be dealing with PTSD. Well, I was wrong. It is defined as: a mental health condition characterized by either witnessing or experiencing a terrifying life event. This is real and can affect anyone.

I used to, and still sometimes do, get anxious when visiting my home town for fear of running into my ex somewhere. I used to go in a different vehicle so that no one knew it was me. I did not want an encounter with him or anyone else that would tell him that I was in town.

This disorder can also affect your relationships with others. For me, in the beginning of a new relationship, I had to remind myself that he is not my ex. I was never able to tell my ex what would bother me or what upset me or anything that had to do with my feelings. So when things bother me still today, it is very hard for me to open up and say it. It takes a lot for me not to shut down and internalize it. Its still a work in progress because I’m not where I need to be yet. It is frustrating to both my fiancé and I. I desire to be the person who can say exactly how she feels in that exact moment. This is something I continue to work on because one day, I will be that girl.

Another thing that I struggle with is not having to ask permission to do something. Previously,  I couldn’t have a girl’s day without asking first. If I wanted that and he didn’t approve, I had to do it alone. If he did approve, I would receive a flood of text messages that included very hurtful name calling. The next time he went somewhere,  I would be “punished” by being left at home alone. With this kind of result, it wasn’t worth me doing anything with friends or family. This is how the isolation began.

At the beginning of my current relationship, I would ask him if I could go somewhere or if he  was okay with me spending time with friends and family and he couldn’t understand why I was asking. He would tell me to stop asking him and tell him what I was going to do. Now, I ask him out of making sure we don’t already have plans and I get a response of “Ok babe, have fun!” with a kissy-face emoji! Aren’t emoji’s so much fun? So this is what normal is.

If you’re going through something similar, please know that you are not alone and there is hope. Counseling is always a good resource. You can start anew. You can and will find your normal. You are worth so much more!